I'm not ready to go to bed yet tonight. Tomorrow is going to be one of those days for everyone.

Sorry I didn't write. I really wanted to.

I really did.

I really still do, but I just don't have the energy this evening.

Yes, well, this is the first time I’ve had any time to write in a long while. I just can’t seem to fall asleep tonight, and when my mind is idle, it just wanders around a bit too much some times. So I decided I might try writing a bit to keep focused on something. I’ve really grown out of the internet. There is always that cliché about teenagers and phases, and I guess the internet really was a phase for me; well, at least the times where I was on hours at a time talking to people and roaming around from page to page to page after page. I still like to get on once and a while, but a while ago it came to my mind that it just seemed like there was so much more to do in life than be online all the time.

So how am I, as I’m sure you’re all wondering? I’m doing very fine I must say. I do have a lot to be thankful for.

One of the reasons that I can’t fall asleep is because it is snowing. I felt like an eight year old saying that, but it’s true. Things like this always excite me, you know, it makes me feel like a kid again. Remember that? One thing I’ve discovered recently is that the gap between child and adult is a lot smaller than most people realize. There is nothing like the magic of snow. Just think about it, throughout your life, a lot of stress comes up, and a lot of it you can’t control. I mean, if you could control it, nobody would ever have anything to be stressed out about, right? Anyway, when you look outside and see the snowflakes falling, there is a feeling you get that is just a little stronger than all of those other feelings weighing on your heart, and for a few moments, the beauty of the flakes, the cold, the moonlight, it puts everything in perspective for just a few moments. All of the deeper thoughts, about politics, religion, society, life, death, everything; for just a few moments, it all just gets lost in the beauty of those first flakes. It brings back all of those elementary memories, we all have them, of sledding and snowball fights, snow days and snow forts. I know I hold some of those memories of my own very dearly. Even if your elementary experience as a whole was bad, I’m sure you have fond memories of the snow. Even if you don’t, the wholesome innocence of just the idea is enough to bring a good feeling into your soul. If you don’t feel a thing when you look out your window and see snowflakes falling in the moonlight, you might as well be a robot (I wanted to say you might as well be dead, same meaning, but I don’t know, I just kind of felt like if I said you might as well be dead, some random person wouldn’t feel a thing when they looked out the window and saw the snowflakes falling in the moonlight and then came back and bitched at me).

Most of you probably think I’m crazy, and that’s why I spend the half an hour before I wrote this in my backyard watching the snow, wearing nothing but the bottom portion of my jammies, and those were the thoughts that were floating through my head. On my list of beautiful things, this is not number one, but it is probably in the top five.

My writing seems to be in a pretty broken and fragmented style. I’m pretty much writing stream of conscious without that even being my intent, usually something I don’t do as much.

You know, since I don’t write much, and my posts are few and far between, a common motif of mine seems to be how much I drone on about time. It has been so long this and it feels like yesterday that. One consequence of myself writing so scarcely is that every time I write something new, I always notice how long ago it was since I wrote the last one, and how much has changed since then. Well, I’m going to beat a dead horse anyway. The last time I wrote, it was summer vacation. I still remember how surreal it felt, the last day of summer, that school was actually starting the next day and I was, in fact, a junior. How odd I feel, now being deeply into the routine of my junior year, remembering that. I felt like falling to my knees and weeping (well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but anyway) because the last couple of weeks of my summer were the best weeks of my life to date and the fact that they were coming to an end just didn’t seem possible. Now that that was so many months ago, and I did my best to put those weeks into my memory forever, and I think I did a pretty good job, and I’m quite sure that next summer will be as amazing.

Anyway, I’m droning and rambling, and I do apologize for just writing randomly about whatever “feelings” and “emotions” come to mind, but instead I could have written my opinion on something mundanely political like “abortion”, “I.D. vs. evolution”, “the war in Iraq”, you know, things that if I would write about would be twice as long as this and immeasurably less important to me.

If you just read that whole thing, or parts, and were just like “huh?”, I’m just in one of those sporadic kind of moods.

As a closing note, I have am aware of the fact that Kenny Beiler and I share a resemblance in appearance (according to some people, not myself). Just so you know, though, that has been brought to my attention…many many times.

Goodnight

I wrote something about summer and all of that, but I decided not to post it.

I have it in my computer and my head, and that is good enough for me.

Imthelottery: yeah
Imthelottery: i think you and i should play marco polo in the halls in the morning 
Imthelottery: that way we can say hi

Something I found funny for a time when a lot of things feel funny.

(yes, Sarah T., your assumption was correct. Sorry I didn't make an attempt to confirm this, and my lack of haste was untasteful, but life has interfered with my ability to be very active internet wise)

Destiny awaits.

Have fun all you people.

So the Billster came back from vacation yesterday, and boy I must say, it was amazing, and probably the best week of my life to date. There were many notable highlights of course. One would be humungous dead turtle that washed up on shore. I mean not a big turtle as in a little large, I mean a turtle that was so big that the beach authorities had to bring out a large vehicle designed for construction purposes out onto the beach to move it. There was also a good amount of shopping done, and of course, a surfeit of consumption of food. And of course, what made my wonderful week so wonderful. I guess if I spend seven (complete, nonstop) days with someone and their face looks more beautiful on the seventh day than on the first, well, you know…Actually, I do feel much better after coming back. I feel more at peace with all of this time stuff. About my life and future and all of that; I’m still clueless about what it is to hold, but I don’t feel as afraid to face it as I did in my last post. I guess credit to a special person should be given for that, too.

I think that about covers the generalities of that week.

Got back, and talked to a good old friend. Shot a yellow jacket’s nest with super soakers with him, and checked out his new car, and caught up on things. Then I went to lunch with some of my favorite and funniest people. What a good time. Then, of course, off to the last stop of the day being my musically talented friend’s house. Had a good walk around Mountville, and talked about things. I love talking about things with my friends. It is so much better than sitting at home and writing about it. I’ve been trying to just talk and listen to as many of the wonderful people around me that I can. Right now I think Ben and Heather top my list of people I need to hang out with more, but there are a lot more of you excellent people worth hanging out with floating about (especially you Raf, dammit). Many of you are not at home and busy, which sucks. I think I did a pretty good job with hanging out with people today though. Today was a good day, too. The heat, the golf, the food, the movie.

You know, one morning at the beach, while I was reading one of the three papers I read there (I go through the Press, a Cape May county paper, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and The USA Today, all three, each day while I was there), I had a sudden realization. I hate politics, and pretty much everything relating to it. And I think I’ve felt like this all along, I’ve only just realized it now. It brings out some of the worst in human nature. The world would be so much better if people just lived their lives and these things would not matter, and I’m surprised that such a simple realization has not come to me sooner. I also should state that, although I do hate politics, I also understand why it is important, and that the existence of what is known as politics is also only a human thing too, and that it does affect me, and everyone, despite what I think about politics, and I’m still going to attempt to understand and continue to form opinions about these issues that are important to everyone, as is a very important thing for everyone to do in a society like this. I don’t think I did a very good job at forming my thought there, and then put that thought into a paragraph, but I tried. I just guess that I should care more about the “small world” (i.e. friends, family, having fun and enjoying my teenage years, school, etc.) than the “large world” (i.e. national, international issues). Many people have already realized this well before I have, but rest assured, I have not settled for the carefree lifestyle that some have chosen (I could write what I think about that, too, but I won’t), just a more enjoyable one. I still don’t really have any structure to this thought, I’m just kind of babbling (kind of). Don't listen to me, I'm not really saying anything at all.

So, what am I doing the rest of summer?

Good question. I’m done writing for now.

Thank you Justin.....To new beginnings....amen.

Well, I guess that sitting here at my computer screen has provided nothing else for me to do but type something up, especially before I go on vacation for the week. Since I haven’t said much about my summer (or anything at all for that matter), I guess a recap wouldn’t hurt.

I’ve been working a bit over the summer; made some good money. Got my car paid off for a while, hopefully for the entire school year. I can’t believe I’ve only had my license for less than two months. It feels like there was never a time when I didn’t have it. I spent a lot of time with Julie. That makes me happy.  I wish I could say so much more about that.

I think I’ve been feeling really nostalgic lately. I think I’m just a nostalgic person. I’ve spent a lot of time looking back on things that have happened in my life. My elementary school years, my middle school years, and what has already become part of my high school years. So many things have changed. Even just this year, so many things have changed. Friends have changed; for the better, for the worse, the whole shebang. I even found a way to prove it all. Right now, go to your xanga, or better yet, go to the xanga of one of your closest friends. Ok, now keep going back, reading every entry in reverse order. Keep going, the whole way back to the beginning. If you or they have an older xanga, where the newest one stops, pick up on the older one. Keep going back as far as you can. This might take a little while. For most of you, this will probably be eighth or ninth grade, give or take. Once you’re finished, I’ll bet some of those old entries evoked some good, strong emotions in some of you. I’ll bet you didn’t realize how much change has really taken place. And I bet that some of you have already done this quite a few times already. I did this a day or two ago, and I didn’t realize how apparent all of these changes have been until I tried it, and I didn’t think it would evoke as much emotion as it did. The biggest changes I saw weren’t even in me….

I also realized something else while I did this. Some day, when we all are well out of high school, and things have changed, I don’t see any reasons why these xangas won’t be here. I know a lot of you people think that these are stupid, and I will admit, I do share that sentiment sometimes too, but I just came to the realization that once we are older and out in the world and everyone has grown up, these might turn into a kind of scrapbook or journal kind of thing, and I think that it might actually be a little better somehow, just because someday I think what I have written here might tell me more about who I was than some of the pictures I have. I could also be completely wrong and the company folds and their super massive server is shut down or something, it was just a thought that hit me.

The past isn’t everything either. I went on a trip with Julie to check out Temple University in Philadelphia a little while ago. I did enjoy the trip very much, it was a lot of fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but, of course, it got me to thinking. Everything is going by so fast, and it can’t be stopped, no matter how much I want it to. I came to the realization that although I would probably be happy spending the rest of my life how I have been spending it the last few weeks of this summer; I’m going to have to go back to school. And after I go back to school, I’m going to have to decide where I want to go to college, and for what. Then I’m actually going to have to follow through for four years. Then who knows what after that, that’s too far off. But I would rather just keep things like they are right now. But I can’t, and that’s just a part of life I’m going to have to accept whether I want to or not.

So all of these kinds of thoughts have been swirling inside my head for a little while.

Actually, my life has been very good for the past couple of weeks. I can’t imagine a certain reason or person in particular, but you know.

There were a few times when I had to drive my mother into the hospital, and although it was a nuisance, I can’t really complain because everything is (and always knowingly was) ok. Kind of random, but you know. I’ve been trying to talk to and stay close to some of my friends that I lost contact with over the summer, but as many of you know, that isn’t the easiest thing to do.

Swimming is also done. I’m really glad I did that. I had a lot of fun and I’m glad I let Ben talk me into joining the swim team. Some of the things that happen there are just hilarious, and I made a few new friends too. I don’t see why I won’t be back next year.

I also feel like I’ve missed out on a few good times this summer, like going to the mall and such, I haven’t really done much of that; but so many good things have happened that I hardly mind, and I think that the main reason I’ve got this feeling is just because this summer seems to be going so much faster than the others.

Yes, new xanga. People seem to go through these like calendar pages. I guess no matter how much you can change all of the bells and whistles around a new name always feels like a fresher start. I never seemed too fond of that one for some reason. For all of you that wanted to know what the old one meant and never asked, tough shit. It wasn’t anything special, so don’t feel bad. I actually put more thought into the name for this one than that one. And again, no décor, just because I don’t feel like putting in the time right now. I also would like to believe that the words make the site, but I don’t know how correct I would be in saying that. I guess I’ll find out.

Well, that’s about it. I’m going on vacation for a week.

Where am I going?

Heaven

Yep

Heaven (it's more than a place to me).